3 o'clock

During this season of preparation in my life, I've had the most wonderful pleasure of being a 'basement dweller' at the Clymer residence. I've had a ton of time to think. Mostly about my future. Or my sisters wedding. occasionally work. and sometimes what I'll have for lunch.
And, every once in a while, I'll be blessed to have such a profound thought as I did the other day.
You see, Selah is 2 and she's just started to potty train. It is all the entertainment you could ask for. She runs around naked 70% of the time and the other morning at breakfast she looked up at me and, in the most adorable way, said "Stephie- OOPSIES!" as a puddle of pee trickled onto the kitchen chair. She has the cutest little monkey undies and I affectionately call her 'monkey butt.' Every time she does manage to make it to her potty chair, we applaud and cheer with great enthusiasm. One day last week, Selah pooped in the potty! I was downstairs napping. But I woke up to the most celebrated crap in the history of the planet.
It just made me think--When did it become unacceptable to run around naked 70% of the time and why the heck does nobody ever throw me a party when I poop!?!
I just wanna know.
Katie reminded me the whole naked ended in the the garden---I said "well what happened to faith like a child"
:)
(oh, and, you should only be so lucky to know why this blog is titled 3 o'clock. feel special if you do!)

we were meant to live

I’ve wanted to share this next story for some time now. God has been working in my heart- with healing, strength, and understanding that- I’ve come to learn- only He can provide.

For the past three summers I’ve been employed by Group Workcamps Foundation as a Summer Staffer. It’s the best gig there is. It’s my mark. It’s my conversion story. I can say that the person I was at the beginning of the summer of ’06 is completely different. I am what Paul calls ‘a new creation.’ I have had the best and worst of times on staff. Felt the most alive- and the most exhausted. I’ve seen people come to know Christ, and in my journey, I’ve discovered who He’s calling me to be.

I’ve traveled with another girl and 2 guys each year. There are several crews like us that are running camps at the same time. In Ryder trucks and rental cars, we set out from Estes Park, CO to take on the country. And when we come back to Loveland each summer for exit interviews, we do something sick (and entertaining, and hilarious) we compare horror stories. Who had the hardest camp, worst volunteer, deepest flood, most lice (lol…true story) etc, etc. This summer during camp two, my crew thought we’d take the cake with a full camp (300+ campers) evacuation/relocation on Friday night during dinner. It was crazy!

The truth is we live for the struggles of our summer. It is our struggles that develop our strengths. I thrive on them, live for them, and seize the opportunity to learn from them.

But never ever in a million years could I have imagined that our summer would end the way it did. There’s so much to this story. (settle in. it’s long. go get a coffee. come back every few paragraph. But, please, let God leave a mark on your heart from what I’m about to share)

On Thursday, July 17, 2008 I wrote these words in a journal entry:

"Lord, you are unable to even be captured by words! My picture of you is so small- yet bigger than I imagined possible only 3 summers ago. From Monroe, LA to Mission, SD- you have done great things in me. And I will continue to DREAM AGAIN!

*We aren’t promised tomorrow- I know this- may I live each and every moment of my life to glorify you.*"

So, I wouldn’t usually expose my heart like this for you, but this entry plays a HUGE part in this story. So, there it is.

I wrote this on Thursday night of my last camp on staff. Friday night, about a half hour before our last program (which requires celebratory spirits) I got a call from my sister that a dear couple my crew had gotten to know over the summer was killed in a car accident on their way back from camp. What a blow! It knocked everything out of Renee and I. How? Why? What? I had to call my sister back to make sure she said what I really heard. I went through that last program feeling pretty numb. Avoiding eye contact with Renee and dreading telling our guys later that night. All with a giant plastered smile on my face for the campers and volunteers. It was awful.

Let me tell you something. As I stood in that gym, wanting to be able sing and dance and laugh with all my being, I knew God needed me to stop and process what had happened. And I did.
Jimmy and Laura were vendors at our camps. We were in South Dakota, and they came to sell their authentic Native American jewelry. They came to our 2nd and then 3rd camps and had been at my sisters camp during week 1. We had got to know them pretty well. Jimmy would wear his camp T-shirt, try to give me free jewelry, and constantly thank me for having him there. I’d, in return, thank him for coming. He always replied, “No, Thank you! We love these kids!” He and Laura were absolutely beautiful people. I’ll never ever forget their spirits. I never want to.

I remember thinking one day, as Laura tried to give me a free necklace, ‘how can they make a living just making and selling jewelry? How does this work? What kind of lifestyle does it allow?’ Not to mention that they traveled from camp to camp, and gas probably took all their earnings. I didn’t understand. And yet, they wanted to give freely to me. I of course, paid $20 for one of the pieces I got. And Friday night as I listened and looked for the lesson in their death- I found it. Spelt out, it seems simple- but it has had a profound impact on my life.

The money we gave them for the jewelry all of a sudden meant absolutely nothing. The only thing left was the legacy of them and the imprints they put on all of our hearts and a piece of jewelry to remind me, should I forget, of one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned.
I was struggling that week with some life choices. Camps were wrapping up, and I knew that I had to start making plans for my future. I knew God would guide me, but I still was (and currently am) so curious to know His plans. He revealed a giant chunk of the picture that night.
It will never matter how much money I make. That means nothing to Him. It’s not what I do, but who I am that concerns Him. He only cares about my heart. (I had known this truth before, but had not seen it so blatantly obvious as I do now)

I know I am blessed to have known Jimmy and Laura. I pray for their family, as they deal with the tragic loss of their loved ones. But, I can’t help but rejoice at the same time. They live on in the lessons they have taught us. I am forever grateful to them.

And so the story continues-
(just remember it’s taking me 10x longer to write it than it does for you to read)

This was Friday night. By the time we got campers off to bed, had crew devos, and finished paperwork and packing, there wasn’t much time (if any) for sleep. I think I got about 20 minutes while I hid on the floor in the corner of the office at about 7am. Justin, Renee, and Aaron were able to get a little bit though. I had groups checking out at 4am, so sleeping was more of a hassle, than a help- it’s just part of the gig.

Saturday mornings are always tough- saying goodbye to staff, cleaning the school, gathering personal belongings- all while your body screams to let it lie down. (At least this is how I generally feel) We were out of our school by around noon. Just the 4 of us ready to ‘hit’ the road.

All morning I was praying for, and thinking about, Jimmy and Laura. I just couldn’t wrap my thoughts around how you could be driving down the road one minute- and be dead the next. I couldn’t get over how horrific an experience like that had to have been, and I was sad that my friends had to go through it. As I hopped up into the Ryder’s cab that afternoon, I tossed up a quick prayer- “God, I just really feel like we need your protection today. Please be with us on the road.”

We stopped at the only place to get lunch in town- the grocery store deli and took our lunch on the road- Aaron and I leading in the Ryder and Renee and Justin in the car behind us. Our plan was to make it to Rapid City, SD- about 2 hours away. We wanted to stay at a church with a youth group and go to a Toby Mac Concert that night.

We finished our lunch (Fish sandwiches), and I turned towards Aaron settling into my pink pillow. I said, “You good? ‘Cause I’m about to pass out.” He looked at me and, with complete confidence said, “I feel really good. Better than I have on other travel days. We’re good. Sleep.” So, I did.

I was woken up about 45 minutes later to Aaron’s voice and the realization that something was about to go horribly wrong. Just as I opened my eyes, I saw/felt the Ryder swerve from the far right side of the two-lane HWY through and over correction to the left. As the Truck pulled left I will forever have this vision in my mind:

the pavement of the South Dakota HWY coming at the driver side door and windshield.

As we rolled, I had some really specific thoughts. I thought:
We’re doing this.
I’m still alive.
I don’t want to die.
Make it stop.
Jimmy. Laura.

We flipped one complete time- from Aaron’s side, under, and back up- landing on the tires.

(let me remind you that Renee and Justin were in the car behind us)

We came to a stop on the opposite side of the road. We looked at each other and said the obvious: “Are you ok? yea.” Are you ok? yea.” And then, leave it to me to verbalize the most ridiculous observation: “There’s tarter sauce on the ceiling.” (fish sandwiches, remember). Then reality started to set it. Justin and Renee were running towards us from the car. (I’d find out later, that Renee became paralyzed in fear that we were dead and had to wait to see movement before she could continue toward us).

We got out of the cab and the first thing I noticed were some bins we had used all summer for foot washing that were now next to my door. I thought ‘oh, the back door came open.’ As, you’ll see, it was a bit more severe than that. I looked up and just gasped. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Justin embraced me, and I just held on tight. All I could say was, “what just happened? what just happened?” He just assured me that I was ok. over and over again.

A very nice couple had stopped and was tending to us. Aaron had some large shards of glass in his arm. I remember the lady using a water bottle to rinse his wounds. Bless their hearts. I wish I could thank them for being so kind.

The world, at this point, was spinning around me. I had absolutely no idea what had caused us to do what we just did. (I’d later find out that Aaron fell asleep.) We both walked away, but I was quickly stricken with intense abdominal pain. My seatbelt saved my life, but I would spend the next few hours worried that it could have caused major internal injuries.

Let me remind you that we were in South Dakota, Middle of absolutely nowhere, USA. A reservation officer showed up soon after the accident- but don’t ask me what he did. I think he might have questioned us. I don’t remember. But he didn’t issue a ticket or anything. I waited in the car for the ambulance to show up (Justin broke the news to me that it would be about 30-45 minutes). I told them to have a chopper flown in. What was wrong with these people! I called my mom. Had to give the whole, “I think we’re okay, but just so you know…” dreadful. All the while, not wanting to alarm anyone, my abdominal pain was so intense I was certain that I was going to burst. I thought ‘you always hear the stories of the people who walk away and then their stomach bursts and that’s that. It could happen to me. God don’t let that happen to me.’ I remained surprising calm thought. I prayed a lot. I’m not sure my prayers made sense at the time. But I knew God knew what I meant and what I needed.

We were transported to a ‘hospital’ in Martin, SD. When we arrived, they asked if we were the motorcycle accident. ha. o crap. Our doctor was old. like 80. and British. you have no idea how surreal this all was. I told them I was worried about internal bleeding and he just kind of shrugged and said “I don’t think so.” lol. (I had CTs and real doctor appointments back in Colorado. no worries…anymore) We were released after a couple hours. Me with some Vicodin and Aaron some stitches.

We continued on to Rapid City. I slept in the front seat. My body was so absolutely ticked at me by this point. I was going on about an hour of sleep and, you know, some trauma. Some of our leadership staff was able to meet us at our hotel. It was so great to see some familiar faces. We were just 4 scared kids out there all alone. We prayed and hugged. And then, we went to Wal-mart to get the essentials. All of our luggage was now at a towing company in Kadoka, SD.

We saw one of our youth groups at Wal-mart. They were complaining about how they got lost for two hours that afternoon. LOL. We, of course, plastered on our fake smiles and said that was a bummer (all while giving each other ‘the look’)

We were in really good spirits. We were just so absolutely grateful to be ALIVE. I spent the next few days in intense pain. I couldn’t move or laugh without being in pain. My entire stomach was a mess of purple/black/blue /yellow bruising. But we continued on. We even went to a Switchfoot concert the next night- we really just wanted to be normal again. Another crew met up with us and loaded our things into their truck. We went to Mount Rushmore. It was nuts. I can’t believe this is now my story.

It’s taken some time to process everything. It’s over a month later, and I still think about it every day. I have chiropractic appointments and massage therapy nearly every day. It's a hassle, and I get frustrated. No one can tell you how to emotionally deal with something like this. And no one seems to quite understand. (unless you've had a tree fall on your house) ;-) I just wanted someone to wrap me up in their arms and tell me I would be ok. (I mean, good thing I’ve got God).

There are so many things that could/should have gone wrong that day:::
There was no oncoming traffic.
We flipped once. – anymore and the cab would have suffered more damage- and consequently, we would have too.
There was a portion of 2x4 in the cab with us- it bruised my leg- it could have hit me in the head.
Renee almost offered to ride in the Ryder that afternoon. She said she probably wouldn’t have put her seatbelt on.
We had an open bag of tools in the cab with us- hammer, screw drivers- we weren’t hit or pierced by any of it.
We weren’t injured too bad- middle of nowhere- if we would have been worse off, we surely could have died waiting for help.
If Aaron wouldn’t have woken up when he did, we would have flipped into the ditch on my side. I had my back against the door. I doubt I would have survived. Who knows what would have happened.
WE COULD HAVE DIED.

I’ve learned a lot from all of this. And God continues to show me daily why I went through it.

I’ve learned that God is HUGE. (remember my journal entry). I knew this. But He showed me. And I now truly believe that we aren’t promised tomorrow. Just because I survived yesterday doesn’t mean I will today. Each and every moment matters.

I learned a GIANT lesson in forgiveness. I know that what Aaron did could have happened to any one of us. It’s been tough though. I keep replaying the dialogue we had right before I fell asleep. He gave me his word. How many times do we give God our word and then mess up? We’re human. Grace and Peace. Aaron hasn’t apologized yet. I’m not sure he ever will. I have to be okay with that. I believe he’s sorry. I forgive him. (more for my own good than his, I think)

I learned that God has a plan for my future. Again- thought I knew this before: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. If God was done using me here on earth, he could have taken me home that day. I could have died on that highway. I didn’t. Apparently He still has plans for me here. And I’m excited to see them unfold, should I be blessed to have another tomorrow.

The truth is, sometimes we need things like this to wake us up. I’m thankful I lived. I’m grateful I’ve learned. If you’ve walked with me during this season, THANK YOU. If you were there to encourage me, to tell me I’d be okay, to listen to me share, or cry, or rejoice, Thank you! You mean the world to me.

There’s a song my crew listened to Over and over and over again this summer. The first line simply says this:
“There’s too many things I haven’t done yet. There’s too many sunsets I haven’t seen.”

I’m turning 23 on September 19th- Exactly 2 months after our accident…somehow I feel like there will be plenty of reason to celebrate this year.

This picture was taken right before we left camp that afternoon.

This is what the Ryder should look like. (Renee, me, Justin, Aaron)
The driver's side. His mirror came completely inside the cab.

My side.Remember what it should look like

All our stuff just plopped out onto the road.
(my office tote was demolished, and my curling iron...tear)
but i lived so...

Alive and well. @ the Switchfoot concert. in my wal-mart t-shirt.

pow-WOW

ok, so, in all fairness- South Dakota wasn't all bad...

Never Say Never

So, I've decided to start rockin' the blog again. There are so many major and minor things that have happened in my life since april and i hope that, in sharing with others, I can find purpose and beauty in my story as you discover it in yours.

God's teaching me a really important lesson right now: never ever (under any circumstances) say never.

I have this awful habit of vowing to never ever do things that I dislike again. But I realize that if you're only willing to except your desired outcome, you'll miss out on what God has for you (His will) - even if it means taking you back to the times and places you never thought you'd have to revisit.

Case(s) in point:

I swore -after a ridiculously long, exhausting, eventful month in South Dakota- that I'd NEVER EVER return. I rejoyced and celebrated freedom as we crossed into Wyoming on July 21st. On August 2nd I made a spontaneous decision to drive back out to Colorado from Minneapolis with two of my friends. The chosen path___ Straight through South Dakota. (Mount Rushmore is SO much more exciting the 2nd time around!!) But if I would have stuck to my guns- I would have missed out on a really amazing road trip and week spent with people I love. I never thought I'd go back through SD- let alone just 1 week later! But I wouldn't trade those memories and what God showed me in SD for anything.

I also swore that after 5 years of selling shoes at a mall I'd never ever go back. My last day of work in May was a glorious celebration. And then I came back this fall and realized that I didn't enjoy not having any cash-money-flow. Even tho I swore I'd never go back, I just worked an 8 hour shift. And in this time, it's been really great to connect with my co-workers and share in the familiarity of our friendship.

Here's the big one: the life changer:

you know what else I swore I’d never do? Move home. Guess what I’m going to do in a couple weeks. This is huge for me. I was just reading an e-mail I sent my pastor in April, and I realized that I've know this day was coming all along. God has placed home and the people there on my heart. And while there is so much of me that wants what I want (Eau Claire, Minneapolis, Atlanta...anywhere but Kenosha) I know that this is one of the most obedient/mature thing I've ever done.
Look at the Bible: nobody gets their desired outcome. Daniel. Peter. Paul. Shadrak, Meshach, Abednego. Nobody’s lives turned out the way they thought they would. But when they lost their dream (their desired outcomes) they were invited, through their relationship with The Creator, to inherit more and better life than they'd ever dreamed. I want that. I want more and better life.

Paul stopped in Ephesus (Acts 18) and the people there begged for him to stay and teach and live with them. They loved him and he loved them. But Paul knew that he had to leave (check out my first blog…yeah) He knew that if God willed it, he’d come back to those people one day. That’s exactly how I feel about my Valleybrook family here in Eau Claire. I feel their love for me (like I’ve never known love before) and I love them from a deep place inside me. But this isn’t the time for me to stay. God has called me to Kenosha. And if I don’t go, people there will miss out on signs and wonders. He’s calling me for a reason. I don’t know what my job title will be, or how long I’ll have to live with my parents, but I know that when the Holy Spirit speaks into your heart and you obey, God will provide in abundance.

I know that I want what God wants. I know that He is who He says He is, and He’ll do what He said He’ll do. I live in this truth. I’d like to say that I’m terrified for the weeks to come. But I’m not. I’m sad, and I have to grieve what will be lost. But I rejoice knowing that God has something more and better for me than I can even begin to dream up. And so - I must leave.