Dear NeNee

While I was home, I also visited my little cousins. I used to babysit them every Wednesday night (and usually at least once more during the week) for, like, 6 years. Anyway, there situation is FAR from ideal. Their parents aren't together anymore and there is so much hurt and anger in thier lives.

While we were sitting at the table coloring, I wrote Jeffrey (he's in 1st grade) a note. It said something like: You are SUPER COOL. RIDICULOUSLY RAD. TOTALLY AWESOME. and I
LOVE YOU more than all the ICE CREAM in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! I made a
similar one for Jessica. She's 4. When Jeffrey said "how about you BUY me all the ice cream in the whole world!" it was a perfect opportunity to tell him how much more important love is than the things you can buy.
As we continued to color, Jessica told me that she wanted to write me a note. Here's the result. As she wrote, she verbalize what it said. (Thank goodness because I haven't mastered the art of translating 4 year old scribble yet!) It says something like



"Dear NeNee, You are so super cool and awesome. I love you more than Disney Princesses"

I know! "AAAwwwww" right?!? Then she drew a picture that is now proudly hanging up in my office. It's of her and I.....obviously.


Honestly, the time I spent with my cousins broke my heart. They have so much potential but are in need of so much love, love that they aren't getting. After we were done coloring, Jeffrey and Jessica got in a fight and Jeffrey bit her. I took him in his room and we had a little chat. All I could see was a kid infront of me screaming out for nothing more than LOVE itself. They've been given every toy they've ever wanted and are still so empty inside. I reminded him about our earlier chat and how important love is. But "I hate my sister." is all I heard. Then when I told him it was okay for him to be angry and hurt and sad that his dad didn't live with them anymore, his little eyes welled up (and mine did too). I said "I bet no one has ever told you that before" and he just shook his head no. I told him that it was okay for him to not like what Maggie (his dad's new girlfriend) cooked for dinner. But that his dad needs her love now too. And that now, more than ever, he needs his brother and sister's love.

And now, I'm left to pray. (and I'm asking you to do the same.) I would love nothing more than to be able to live with them right now. I know that I could give them so much love. I want to love on my aunt too. She's doing her best. But she has her own battles and loving 3 kids on your own is so unimaginably hard!

Here's the biggest thing I've learned. We looked at a quote in youth group last year. We've got nifty little magnets and t-shirts as reminders. But now I see what this must look like because:

"...instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on lavishly. I hoped love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing."

^^ this is all I want. I want to pour so much love into this family that it would pull them out off all of their crap to a place of healing. I believe it can happen. I've seen it happen. I'm praying for it to happen. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see this family become healthy.

GROW UP into your God Created Identity!

So, while I was home the other day, I came across a timeline I had put together for my High School graduation party. I thought I’d share it now as I prepare to graduate again!!

Mary Helen said I was the best baby. I just ate slept and filled my diaper! Sounds about right!!

Expressing my artistic abilities.

I bet it was 3 o'clock.....and now you know me better than you probably wanted to! :)

Pigtails!!

one word- adorable!

My 5th birthday.

Who didn't have a turtle sandbox?!?!

and then we chopped the locks and put me in a melon shirt....cool. real cool.
(but, as you'll see---it'll get worse!)

We had a party. Played bingo. got some pogs. It was great! :)
3rd grade.
So, I'm pretty sure I liked the Mighty Ducks because of the movie, not because of the team. I even had a sweet MD Starter jacket!
I told you it would get worse!! I have so many questions when I look at this:
1. What did I get?!

2. What the heck am I wearing?!

3. How ridiculous are my bangs?! Oh, middle school years.
At the farm.
We thought we were hot stuff at this age.
Mittens from Prague and a sweet tan to go with them?
Dear Workcamp, I LOVE you! This was the year that I met Brooklyn and Coy Lindsey. Check out her new book Confessions of a Not-So Super Model in stores now!!

Workcamp Junior Year-Lockport,NY.

Senior Homcoming 2004. Planned by yours truly.

Freshman Year
Sophomore Year
Junior Year
Chopped the locks. Graduating. Going back for round three of Summer Staff.

I have every reason to be smiling!

God Given Talent

First of all, let’s just say a quick ‘thank ya Jesus’ that the mocha (which doesn’t even taste good) I just spilt all over my keypad didn’t horribly damage my laptop…..AMEN. In the reassembling of all the keys, I did learn that f12 is the save button! That’s a fun little trick! And it looks like f9 is the only key that lost the battle and will never work the same again.

This morning I had the immense pleasure (and I’m not even being sarcastic!) to attend the Delong Middle School Variety show. Now, I must admit that when I rolled out of bed at 7:45 –the last possible minute to make it on time for the 8am show- I was less than thrilled. During a midterm week that has been cruel, sleep is a precious commodity and I wasn’t in the mood to sacrifice it; but I’m sure glad I did!

We used to have talent shows at St. Mary’s when I was little. We won’t mention how my two best friends and four others managed to put together and act in the 6th grade that excluded me, but I do have fond memories of the days in Bell Hall where stars were born----ok, not really. But it was a BIG DEAL to us- performers or not. And this morning I got that same sense from each of the students in that auditorium.

Desaree, one of my 8th grade girls, invited me to come see her dance. It was a bonus then, that I also got to see Gaby sing the National Anthem, Lacy participate in a super cool percussion act, and Trevor do a solo in the Jazz ensemble! (And the jazz band, they played Louie, Louie-aka Pharaoh, Pharaoh!!) I was blown away by the talent at this school. It probably wasn’t anything above average, but as I watch act after act, I just realized how God blesses us each with something different. There is no one that can fill your place in the world, quite like you were meant to.

We all know that Middle School can be brutal, but this morning, I was reminded how awesome it is too! It’s the one time in our lives when we get to be super awkward. Ok, you don’t really have a choice. But if you’re lucky enough to embrace it, you can shine. Each of the students in the variety show took a risk and succeeded at something. It’s a memory they’ll always have. They’ll probably look back and laugh. But they’ll also look back with pride of their accomplishment. As I stood in the back, I found an abundance of pride welling up inside me for each of them.

And then my precious Desaree came out to dance. Pride seems like such an inadequate word for how I feel. I know Desaree has a heart for God, and as I stood in the auditorium, I could only imagine how hard it must be to share Him with her peers. She took center stage, and her song came on: “Surrender” by Barlow Girl. And she was doing it- she was sharing God with her classmates through her dance. I felt tears welling up in my eyes as she gracefully danced and shared her God given talent with us. (We had a talk about the leotard she chose to wear after. You gotta guard those young boys hearts/eyes, cause they aren’t gonna do it themselves!!) But the thing is, she certainly could have chose to booty dance (I never thought I’d see 7th graders ‘walkin’ it out!’) like some of her classmates, but instead, she picked a classy form of dance and shared a piece of her heart (a big piece!) with her peers.

I’d also like to say that DeLong MS has 5 of the sickest break dancers I’ve ever seen, and one cool Karate Kid!! And the band the teachers put together was hilarious and surprisingly good!

Afterwards, I got to hang out for a long time with Des and meet a bunch of her friends. It was a really rewarding morning. I certainly have my days that I question why God would have chosen me to serve Him in such an awesome way. But today, I just get to embrace this season in my life, and it is a GLORIOUS one!

Well…almost glorious--- I’m off to take a midterm! WooWoop! and then paper write before I can start enjoying my very last SPRING BREAK!!!

Leave

Have you ever read a book and felt as though the author wrote each line for you alone. When you’ve only read the introduction, and you know that the following 200+ pages might just change your life. And even if they don’t, the first 4 already have?!

In just this past week, I’ve been earnestly praying for God to reveal his plan for my future. I’ve been, and still am, really content with BEING STILL and knowing that HE IS GOD. I’m not worried about my life after college, but I’m definitely curious. And up until recently, I was just verbalizing my trust in God, but there was a HUGE disconnect from my head to my heart. I was, for a long time, putting a time limit on letting God figure things out. “If I don’t know by February, then I’ll start just pursuing random things.” This was my attitude. It was completely wrong and disobedient, but I just had this irrational idea that if God did make it blatantly clear where I’d be living in September 2008, then I’d just figure it out on my own!!!

Let me revisit this book I’ve mentioned. I’m sitting in a café in Menomonie grabbing a quick lunch and trying to focus on homework. I had a quiet time as my food was prepared where I thought God had revealed a great deal to me already. But then, as my food was put before me (and might I say, it was the best panini I’ve ever had!), I reached into my backpacked and decided to just let myself (instead of actually doing homework) read the Author’s Note of Donald Miller’s new book Through Painted Deserts.

I closed it, sat in reflection for a few short minutes, and decided that now is the perfect time to let you all in- to read this blog- and experience this journey with me. Because Miller has presented me with one simple word that might just change my life- and consequently yours too.

Leave.

I can securely title my blog Leave, becuase whether I move somewhere in the fall or not, I’ll still be leaving in May to travel for my 3rd summer on staff. And in reading this you’ll be able to keep up with the who’s what’s, where’s, and when’s of my travels. And if I move somewhere in the fall- well then- double bonus!!

I almost don’t know where to start to tell you how much Miller’s note resounded in me. Here’s a short (ok, it’s long- but necessary) passage that I want to share to, in some way, help you connect with what I’m realizing right now:

“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?”

^ that’s good right? And the following passage came directly after, and spoke directly to me.

“It might be time for you to go.

It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word to you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”

I’ve felt a huge pull on my heart to do something really different after Summer Staff. What that is, I’ve yet to figure out; and by “figure out,” I mean, God has yet to reveal it to me. There are some places of interest- Georgia being the dominant one, but I don’t know what will become of that.

For now I will continue to seek truth, pursue righteousness, and know that, with God as the author of my story, I can trust him with the pen. Because, truthfully, He’s got something better for me than I can even begin to dream of, and I want to know what it is.

and so-
It all started with one simple word:

Leave.